Succombing to MS and holding on to your Self

Egos.  Dignity.  Often heard in this modern age to let go of such things.  And not until we are free of these emotional strongholds will we be whole.

But maybe I don't want to be whole.  Maybe I want right now!  I don't want to feel 80 years old at 42. I want to go riding today but I had to opt out.  Canceling my opportunity to ride will put me in a foul mood.   And it did.

My body is aging so fast with the MS.  I'm physically worn out and this heat isn't helping.  I overdid on Saturday and even yesterday was too much.  My legs are still burning.  Cooling gels are being applied.  Yin yoga to come soon.  

After some seventy pages of McMurtry's Rhino Ranch this morning and some morning medication, I'm adjusting to the mood.  Cramps are not helping but those will be gone shortly.  At least I have them.  I'm alive.  That's a good thing. 

Yesterday my hands were cramping such that I couldn't work on my photography.  I have so many ideas and projects and my body is letting me down.  Of course the more I push the worse it gets.  But man, I am not good at sitting back and chilling.  I will need to tomorrow as it's a travel day.  That will be good.  I can take some relaxing medicine and chill on the plane with family, a good book and my iPod.

Oh, and here we go, a reminder I couldn't ride, had to admit it in a text message and now the tears are flowing.  Why can't I just be happy for being alive?   I get so frustrated.  I dislike being leashed in.  I walk with Ellie.  That's what I need.  Unleash us all and get some fresh air.  I can at least walk to the bottom of the street without a cane, I think. 

I am already feeling better.  The cathartic relief of journaling.  Nothing new there but at least maybe my babbling will help others understand the daily ups and downs of multiple sclerosis.

Lots to do today.  I will rebuild my energy (darn why didn't I call sooner about my Shentrition?  I don't think it will get here today -my bad).   And I will be back.

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