A day to have and to hold!
Time to play hooky. At least for the morning. Cow country. God's country. Good music. Great friends.
And what a much needed holiday it was! Amazing what just a few hours of ranting, venting, driving can do. I could feel the tension leaving as we drove through the valley and over Santa Susanna Pass into Simi Valley. Then I breathed deeper when we reach the 118 and farmland. The visual stimuli. Slow driving. Casual. Sight seeing trip. And then the blue to the west of Highway 101. Beautiful scenery for heavy discussions about personal lives.
I'm not happy. Despite all that I have going for me how can I be so spoiled to want more? Was it Streisand who said, "I don't want much, just more". But alas. I'm lonely and missing part of something in my life. I thought I had it last fall but I was fooled. I am happy with what I have but let's face it, going to bed every night by myself at forty-two years old is not how I envisioned my life.
On the evening before our road trip I sent a somewhat childish, angry email to this man that I dated briefly last year. I really thought we had something special and then felt like I was taken for a ride. So I sent this email. Short, to the point. Of course I sent it after a good stiff whiskey. But it felt good. I'm often too nice and don't express the true emotions of my feelings. I was really hurt by this guy and felt like I hadn't really said it. Maybe I had. I told him this is that I like him too much to see him casually. Or at least that's what I meant.
The ability to express my feelings freely is a part of my wellness program with multiple sclerosis. When I do not express myself clearly the anxiety rises rapidly within my middle. I don't breathe properly. I am not relaxed. Oh darn. There he is. That man! In my mind. I shouldn't even have contacted him. I thought I could handle it. Wrong. I fell so hard for him. And heck. Nothing I can do about it.
It is very frustrating to fall for someone who just isn't that into you. Hasn't happened in a long, long time. I feel like a junior high kid. I can do better. That's it. I can do better.
Attitude adjustment: time for some Jason Mraz.
Now back to the MS. Oh yeah, isn't it amazing how much MS is affected by emotions? Sometimes I feel like everything is magnified ten-fold. I just start crying. Something sad, and I think my life is horrid. And I have a great life.
One emotion that hit me on the road trip was that of feeling ashamed. I didn't realize it until my friend said it. After I recovered from the slap in the face for not thinking of it sooner I realized, yes, I am ashamed of my life. Why? I'm not exactly sure but am leaning toward the fact that I am not supporting myself. That has always been important to my identity. I never wanted to be "someone's wife". I wanted an identity of my own and one that I could financially support. I had it. I lost it.
Time to move on. Another issue that came up during the drive: I'm tired of my story. I need a new one. Something new. Horses are new but I'm in a rut. I don't know if I'm holding myself in the rut for various reasons but I don't know why else I would still be here. I'm usually a happy kid. But it is time for a new story, a new identity:
Do I need more? Maybe not. But what about the marketing, design? I don't know if I want to do it. I'm a bit tired and want to just work on personal things. I spent so much money and time last year doing all that photography work. I'm burned out. Between school at the Art Center and the Art Shows, I'm ready for a period of no deadlines for awhile. And not too much production work.
I am being too hard on myself but that's typical. It's September 11, and I've done more this summer than the past eight summers combined. I should be celebrating not brooding. Our house didn't burn. I have healthy friends and family. Folks have given me a beautiful horses to ride. I have my health and a great old hound dog. Even got a flu shot today.
I'm ashamed of my life
I'm going through an identity crisis
I'm not happy
Time to make some changes. Watch this spot.
Posted by Caroline Craven