So much in life has changed with my MS. Every decision, every thought is focused on how it will effect my mind, body and soul. While this is a good thing in the long run sometimes one really just wants to kick down a loaded cappuccino, go for a hike, enjoy a pipe on a cold and rainy day while reading Harrison, drink a glass of wine or two with good friends, tie some flies, hop in the car and drive...just drive. A certain since of freedom is stripped when a disabling disease like MS hits. Freedom in so many ways. Once a road warrior. I am now a shuttling sissy.
It started with a panic attack on the LA freeway amongst heavy traffic. No escape. Panic stricken, batteries faded fast. Eyesight diminished rapidly. Then the convulsions and dry heaving that would randomly hit never made it safe. Let cramps, not good for driving either. While these issues don't happen all the time, they've occurred enough for me not to trust my body, understanding now that my batteries could crash at anytime. Knowing this makes me feel vulnerable and vulnerability creates fear. Too much fear can strip us of our lives.
To a point we can quick charge our batteries: caffeine, tobacco, provigil, sativa, sugar, etc. But how long can we quick charge before the battery won't take a charge? And when we are left stranded there is no back up battery. No way to plug into the wall and recharge. We have only one battery. We must take care of it.
So how do we turn off those extra programs running? Visually I imagine the blinders on horses. Those eye guards that keep the horse looking ahead and not distracted. "Put your blinders on Caroline" and get to work. Focus on one project. Or one meditation. One walk in the rose garden. The point is to have just this one program running. And turn off all others. Blinders. This works for me, most of the time.
But there are those times when it doesn't work. When I need a distraction. And another distraction. And again and again until I have six programs running and my battery bar is slipping fast. "Put those blinders on." But sometimes it just doesn't work.
Then, finally, I stop everything and go lie down in a nice cool place that's not to bright. Closing my eyes and just being quiet. Recharging. Ahhhh. It takes strength to keep our batteries charged. To know what we need to do to take care of ourselves. To unplug from others when we are on low battery and turn off our location services.
For me this meant learning a lot about boundary setting. Rules. My rules for my health. This can be hard on friends and family. Setting boundaries can take a lot of explanation, patience and communications. But it's essential for defining our needs to keeping us alive and void of fear. To live life on a full battery. That's my goal. To manage my software and take care of this battery before it won't hold a charge.
Let's do this. Let's keep our batteries charged. Let's rid ourselves of fears and vulnerability. It's time. It's time to take charge and recharge.